My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
