Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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