she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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