FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
