We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
