I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
