he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
what is it with giant penises always finding me
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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