I am in a vortex of obligation.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
