Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
where are my eyebrows?
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