My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
