P.S. I can't hear my feet
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
