Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Two words: nipple clamps
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