Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize