Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
even my farts smell like vagina
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
not ubering you a puppy
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
