They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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