He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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