You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Randomize
