You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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