so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Blood and glitter go together right?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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