Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize