Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
