i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
