Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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