your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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