I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
