I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
