she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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