You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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