I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
she pinky promised me she was 18
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She bit a glass in half.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
