My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
