you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
