my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
