I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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