Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
