I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
