i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize