it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
