i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
