I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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