You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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