We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
