I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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