I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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