Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
