Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
