I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
