Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
