turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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