My friends, they love my intelligence
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Randomize
