did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize