Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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