i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
