Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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