The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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