i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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