when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
