my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
