If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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