When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
