I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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