Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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