Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize