At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
