the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Reggie can tackle my bush.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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